This week, the church nursery director called to give me the heartbreaking news that another volunteer had miscarried. I sent a card. It was difficult knowing what to write, but I definitely knew what NOT to say. I miscarried 15 years ago, and although people were well-meaning, I spent some moments of the next few days being offended and dropping my jaw in disbelief.

What did not help me:
"It was meant to be this way." Yes, I know that God has a plan for everything and that I am meant to live by believing and not by seeing. This was not something I needed to hear at the time.

"There was probably something wrong with the baby." "It may have had a lot of problems if it was born."  Really? I'm a speech pathologist, and my husband is a counselor. We had often wondered if God was preparing us for special-needs children. We would have gone through with the pregnancy no matter what. And never refer to the baby as in "it". That just tops the insensitivity list.

"You'll have another one." First of all, this is a personal decision. Second, unless the person speaking is a doctor, this statement is worthless. Third, I remember thinking, "But I wanted this baby." Acknowledge the baby.

"At least you already have a healthy child". Yes, I'm thankful. But don't brush off this baby.

What helped me:
"What do you need?" Time and prayers.


Understanding when I was distracted at work. 

Words of sympathy. 

Heaven is for Real. I just read this book last year, but I was bawling when I read the part of the boy meeting his sister in heaven. The parents had never told their son of the miscarriage, and yet the sister was there.

Held by Natalie Grant. A song that came out years afterward but drew forth some powerful emotions.

As I wrote in the card, I couldn't believe that I filled up the inside and part of the back. I usually just sign my name to cards. I hope that the mother and family find it comforting and not offending.

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